Confessions
by Angelus 408
Summary: What might push Sam and Dean to become slash?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Sorry this is late. I got busy yesterday and lost track of time, therefore, I am posting the story in it's entirety today.

I have read many slash fics, but none that I saw ever gave me a viable way Sam and Dean could be slash. Part of the entire Supernatural experience, is how straight laced these two men really are. So, IF they ever were to cross that line, how might it have occurred? This is my spin, only even I have my doubts.

 **Please Note: Incest is Illegal.** This story neither recommends nor condones incest. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, just spinning my own ideas. It belongs to the CW, WB, & Companies and it's creator Eric Kripke. I make no money from this, so please don't sue.

Confessions Chapter 1 [Prequel]

(The sun is lowering in the sky. While driving in the front seat of the Impala, Dean is muttering under his breath; he is not happy. They've been on the road so long; going from one motel room to another, town after town, searching for a stealthy monster. Dean misses the men of letters bunker that has become his home, he had felt that way from the first time he walked in the door and identified with it right away.

It was old, just like he felt, but it was classic, and it was special. In many ways the bunker was like Baby. Dean fell for it hook, line, and sinker. He felt like it gave him the chance to live his life over, his and Sam's.

He settled in, he walked the halls, he opened every door, drawer, closet and cabinet, touched every item, and examined every detail. Dean felt every wall, metal bar and banister, every piece of wood and molding, every piece of furniture, anything and everything until he was one with the place.

Here, now, Dean really believes he could be the mother and father he should have been for Sammy when he was a boy. Dean is always so hard on Sammy, not because there's anything wrong with Sam, per se, but because that's his job. He can't help it.

When Sam went to college, he was away for years, so long in fact, and at such an age, that he had forgotten how much Dean used to boss him around; and that although Sam and his Dad, never saw eye to eye, it wasn't his father who Sam was trying to leave behind, it was Dean. But now, as God is his witness, Sam knows he will never run from Dean again; but not because of loyalty, and not because of brotherhood, but because of loneliness.

Sam is sitting next to him, and can't decipher a single word, but he knows that tone and body language. Whoever came up with the term "white man speak with fork tongue" probably knew Dean in a former lifetime.

But Sam doesn't need the words to know what kind of night it will be. Dean will go trolling for women, and leave Sam all alone.

And Sam will die inside, one more time.)

 **TBC**


	2. Chapter 2

Confessions

Chapter 2

(It was a long drive into this sleepy town. They acquire a motel room. Dean's exhausted and although he wants to go out and blow off some steam; he first needs to get some shuteye. After getting washed up, he takes the bed closest to the door, and lays himself down, turning onto his side facing the windows. Sam comes over and sits on the other bed, not quite ready for sleep yet; he just stares at Dean in the dark. Dean can almost feel Sam's eyes piercing into his back, but is too tired to get into something tonight and tries to ignore him.)

Sam: Deun? 

(Dean's eyes open wide. When Sam pronounces his name with a "un" sound, Dean knows his brother is upset.) 

Dean: Sammy? 

Sam: Deun...

(He rolls over to find Sam sitting up. There is something in his hands that he is turning over and over, but in the dark, Dean can't quite make out what it is. He waits patiently for Sam to continue. But Sam is waiting for Dean to put up a fight.) 

Dean: Sam, what's wrong? 

(Dean had always told Sam two things, one is "talk to me, don't keep secrets" and the other is "no chick flick moments", so it's difficult for Sam to split the difference. Dean sees his brother struggling; the way he turns his head, the fidgeting, the half laugh/half sobs emanating from his body, Sam looks like he needs a hug; but he's not sure what to do, so he starts by sitting up. Sam is preparing himself for the hardest words he's ever had to utter, although they should be easy for a brother to say, except when your other brother is Dean; that makes it difficult.) 

Dean: What are you holding Sam? (Sam doesn't answer; he just starts to twirl it around his fingers. Now Dean knows exactly what it is; Sam's back-up gun.) 

Dean: Are you thinking about killing me, Sam? 

Sam: What? No! Deun, no. I don't want you to die.

(But Sam is still twirling the pistol.) 

Dean: Then give me the gun, Sam.

(But he doesn't comply, so Dean tries again, softer and kinder.) 

Dean: Sammy, give it to me? Please?

(Sam starts to hand it to Dean, but pulls it back. He can't let it go. And Sam now thinks that Dean will no longer listen, his only focus will be on the gun; maybe that's all the better.) 

Sam: No, no.

(He raises the gun, the barrel pointing in Dean's direction. Dean makes no moves, he doesn't want to startle Sam, and get shot. But Dean's eyes practically bulge out of his head, when Sam brings the weapon up ever higher, and turns it on himself.)

 **TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

Conf 3

(Dean wants to pounce on Sam, to take the gun away, but if the safety is off; the gun could fire under the pressure of Sam's finger, and he could die. So Dean readies himself, but doesn't move.)

Dean: Sam, Sammy, whatever it is, we can work through it together. We have an agreement, Sam, a pact; one that only full blood-brothers could have. 

Sam: Yeah, you just remember that. 

Dean: Sam, talk to me, tell me what's bothering you. 

Sam: Okay, Deun, okay, but if I hear you say anything about chick-flick moments, so help me God, I will blow my brains out!

(Dean nods.) 

Dean: Okay, I get it. Not a word. Just talk to me, no secrets, alright? 

Sam: Alright... Deun.

(Sam takes some calming breaths, and Dean tries to do the same, but he can't. With that little gun pointed at his brother's head, he's on edge the entire time.)

Sam: I guess you could say I'm lonely, Dean. I feel so alone. 

Dean: I keep telling you to get laid, but you don't listen. 

Sam: I'm not talking about that. I mean I am, but I'm not.

(Dean's eyebrows furrow. Sam gives another half laugh/half sob.) 

Sam: I don't want a woman for one night. I want many nights. 

Dean: So let's go to bars and get you hooked up on a regular basis.

(Sam gets angry, and the gun waivers.) 

Sam: What, just pick up some unsuspecting girl, bring her here, screw her, and when I'm done, just throw her some cab money and tell her to get the fuck out? No! That's not what I need. I can't... I can't. I'm not like you Dean. I can't give myself to someone just once, and walk away without losing a piece of my heart each time. It's torture for my soul. And I don't understand how you can. How do you do it, Deun, huh? How do you walk away unscathed? 

Dean: I don't give myself Sammy. I just have fun. 

Sam: What's the point? I mean, if there's no give and take, what do you get out of it? 

Dean: Release, Sam. Plain and simple. 

Sam: You don't need a woman for that Deun; you can take care of it yourself. 

Dean: Ah, but Sammy, it's much more fun with a girl. 

Sam: But what do you get Deun. If you don't give your heart, you can't receive hers, no matter how much she tries to give it to you. So how does it make you feel? What does it do for your soul?

(Dean just drops his head down. He's starting to understand now, and feel his brother's pain.) 

Dean: Nothing, Sam...It doesn't do a damn thing. 

Sam: That's what I thought. I've only ever seen you love like that once. 

Dean: Don't Sam, I'm warning you. 

Sam: Deun... I have to. You need to hear it. You need to feel it, to empathize with me. I told you to go to Lisa, and have a life, because I wanted you to be happy. I still do. 

Dean: And I became a vampire and ruined it. 

Sam: I know, and that was my own selfish/soulless fault, and I'm sorry. I'm so, very sorry. But Deun, I went through that also, three times! And I know it's a pain you can never get over. I know how it stays with you, how it follows you through even the next girl. So why, why would I open new wounds every night. How could I put myself through that? Why would I want to? ...Deun, I don't know what else to do? 

Dean: I'm no expert on love, Sam, but if you need it, then find it. 

Sam: And who would that be, Deun. Who could we trust, another hunter? Another civilian who'd have no idea what we do or the risks we take. And what happens to her, when I don't make it back? No; Deun, no!

(Dean speaks softly.) 

Dean: What do you want me to say, Sammy? 

Sam: Tell me. How do you do it? How do you make love without the love? 

Dean: Sammy. I just don't. 

Sam: How, Dean, how; tell me how. Because the Dean who was with Lisa; he loved. How did you learn to go out and be a total slime-ball?

(Dean starts to shake. He gets up and slowly paces. He runs his right hand through his short hair, and across his mouth. He breathes hard and fast. Sam can tell that he hit a nerve.

But that's what Sam was hoping for. He knew he'd have to get to Dean's core, before his brother would accept his proposal. Eventually, Dean sits back down.

Sam's arm is tired, but he knows the gun is the only leverage he has.) 

Dean: Sam... Sammy, please; don't make me do this. You won't want to hear it; you don't want me to do this.

(Dean strains not to cry.) 

Sam: Yeah, Deun, I do. No secrets, remember?

(Dean starts to shake his head no. Then one tear falls, it's just enough to let him start explaining.) 

Dean: Sammy, do you remember my 18th birthday? 

Sam: Yeah, Dad gave you the Impala. That was a great day, you were so happy. 

Dean: In front of you, yeah. But then Dad took me aside later and told me why he gave her to me.

(Dean goes absolutely still. as if to distance himself from the story.) 

Dean: He told me, I needed it, to get to and from work because now that I was 18, I had to get a job; that I had to man-up and make my own way. He worked on and off even though he was hunting. I was to do the same; even though I was still in school and only halfway through the grade. I don't think he knew that I was a year behind, what with all the moving around and such, or maybe he did. But he said that starting in July, I had to work full time, and that I had to pay my own way, and, and, and yours. 

Sam: What? Why would he make you pay my way? 

Dean: Because that was my place in the family. It always was. I had to take care of you. I had to protect you. That was official, since, since Mom died. 

Sam: Dad had no right to do that to you. I was an infant and you were just a little kid. 

Dean: Sammy... After all this time, you still don't get it do you? Yeah, I was four-almost five, when I lost Mom. She was more than just a mother to me; she was my friend, my buddy, my company. Dad worked late six days a week. I only really saw him in the mornings and on Sundays. And when Mom was gone, I was so alone. There was this huge hole...half of me was missing. Dad knew it, God he felt it too.

But Dad, he-he had this wisdom, even though he was still young then. He knew he needed to fill that space in my heart where Mom used to live. So, he gave you to me. He had me take care of you. I did everything for you, Sam.  
Sam: How could you take care of me, you were only four years old. 

Dean: Mom, she ah, she didn't put me in front of the television set like other Moms did. She had me with her all the time. She kept me involved; she talked to me and taught me. Whatever she did, I did too. I could make cereal, and sandwiches, I knew how to dust, how to clean, how to organize, how to do laundry, how to fold. She taught me how to wash the dishes. Everything! There was nothing short of using the stove that I couldn't do. She spent all her time with me. We went everywhere together, shopping, dry cleaners, even the hairdressers. Mom was my whole world. Then you were born. And she showed me how to clean you, and change your diapers, how to put juice into a baby bottle, even how to rock you to sleep. 

Sam: Wow Deun, I had no idea. But what does this have to do with women? 

Dean: I worked after school for the first five months, but then I needed a full time job. But without a diploma, I couldn't get one. By then, you were fourteen. I knew I could trust you being alone. So I was able to get two part time jobs.

Sam: Yeah, in order for you to keep those jobs, sometimes Dad would take me hunting without you.

Dean: But then Christmas was coming, and I was barely making enough to get by so I tried to find a night job. But I couldn't. I couldn't Sam, not without a diploma. (Guilt and sorrow seem to fill Dean's face; he can barely keep his tears at bay.)

Dean: I tried, but I failed, Sammy I failed. 

Sam: Wait, I remember that, Deun. You did have a night job. You'd come home at all hours in the morning. 

Dean: It wasn't a real job, Sam!

(Dean's voice hardened, for just that sentence.)

Dean: It wasn't. I, I didn't work. I... Oh Sammy, I sold myself. 

Sam: What? 

Dean: I met this woman, she told me I could make great money, and have a lot of fun, and the more hours I could dedicate, the more money I could make. So, we struck up an agreement. She bought me clothes, and everyday I would go to her house to change. She'd give me a list of names, addresses, and a schedule to keep. Most of them were divorced and lonely, some just needed an escort, but others needed more. So, at first, I was giving my heart, and yeah, sometimes I would get something back, but most of the time, I wouldn't. But then you were going to go to college, and I thought I couldn't do it anymore. Because I couldn't lose that much of my heart, it was like losing Mom all over again. And when you left... I was devastated. I shut down. I felt nothing. Oddly enough, it made me a better hunter. So, for a while I just went through the motions, but my heart was closed. And then, finally, I just stopped. I lived in my car. I hustled pool, and went hunting, sometimes with Dad, but more often without.

(Dean is feeling ashamed, and raw. He split himself open for Sam. 

Sam is in awe. He had no idea how much he meant to Dean. He never really understood this obsession that Dean had for him. But he does now.)

 **TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

Conf 4

Sam: You got to be kidding me. All this time, you've been getting what you needed from me, and leaving me out to dry! 

Dean: What do you mean? 

Sam: I did this. I held this gun to my head, to ask you to love me, but you already do. You just don't show it! 

(Dean is shaking his head in tiny angles back and forth, like he's in shock.) 

Sam: You bastard, you selfish bastard. I've been dying inside while you've just basking in my love. So, what do you do Deun, you look into her eyes and see mine? 

Dean: What the hell are you talking about? I do no such thing. I don't think about you when I'm with girls! That's just sick and a little twisted, dude. 

Sam: Is it, Deun? 

Dean: I said you filled the hole losing Mom left, nothing more.  
Sam: Oh, really, let's just see about that. We'll play a game, it's called "how much do you love ", with what percentage of you heart do you love the following people...are you ready?

(Dean nods.)

Sam: How much do you love Dad? 

Dean: I don't know Sam; it's not something you put a number to.

(Sam pulls back the slide on his gun so that it's primed and ready to fire.) 

Sam: Humor me.

(Dean is terrified, and scrambles to think up an answer.) 

Dean: Okay, okay. I don't know, 10%? 

Sam: 10%...okay, and Lisa? 

Dean: Lisa and Ben... They're a package deal, maybe 15%? 

Sam: Okay, that's 25% And Bobby? 

Dean: I don't know, maybe 10%. 

Sam: That makes sense. Bobby was a father to us. Who else, come on, who else do you love? Hmm? I don't hear you? 

Dean: Cas. 

Sam: Cas, of course. How much? 

Dean: 10% 

Sam: That's 45%...45% of your heart goes to all of those people you loved so dearly. What about everybody else; Ellen and Jo, Charlie, Kevin, Cassie, everybody. How much do they get huh; 25% 15? No wait, 10% that seems to be your favorite number. How much Deun? 

Dean: C'mon Sammy, you know. Don't make me say it. 

Sam: Say it, Deun, how much? 

Dean: 4% 

Sam: That's 49%... So, who has the other 51%? Who

Deun?

(Dean starts to groan and sob.) 

Dean: You know it's you Sam, you know you do! Alright? Is that what you want to hear? Now give me the goddamn gun!

 **TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

Conf 5

Sam: You love me, with 51% of your heart? How am I supposed to believe that, huh Deun? How, how am I supposed to feel that Deun? 

Dean: Sam, don't you feel it everyday? Everytime I hunt with you, every monster I get in front of you for, every, every fregging cause I try to take instead of you, every time I risk my life for you? How do you not see that Sam? 

Sam: Deun, all of that is true, but it seems so far away. Like a great span of space is in between. I need to get to the other side Deun. I need to touch it, I need a connection. 

Dean: Sammy, I don't know what you want me to do, but I'll do anything for you, anything; just give me the gun, Sammy. Please? Please Sammy? 

Sam: You'll do anything? For me, you'll do anything... What about for you, Deun? What will you do, for you?  
Will you give yourself? Will you really truly give yourself to someone; to love them, and allow yourself to get love back in return? Would you do that, for me Deun? 

Dean: I have done that for you, with Lisa and Ben. It didn't work out. It can't, not for me. It doesn't work that way for us. 

Sam: Bingo. Now you get it. 

Dean: No, Sam I'm sorry, I haven't a clue?

(Sam removes the gun from his head, he doesn't disarm it though; he doesn't put it away. But he moves closer to Dean, whose head is tilted down; his eyes closed. Sam puts the gun sideways under Dean's chin, and tilts his face up, he slowly opens his eyes. Sam looks into them, puffy and red, but still green and round.) 

Sam: Will you love...me, Deun?

(Dean still doesn't understand, or he doesn't want to. He has no answer. Sam stays close to Dean as he removes the gun from his chin, and puts it back to his temple. Then he kisses Dean, on the lips. Dean wants to jump, he wants to run, he doesn't swing this way, but he can't. He knows he can't, even the slightest movement could depress the trigger, and kill his brother.)

 **TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

Conf 6 

(Sam gently breaks the kiss.) 

Sam: Will you love me Deun? 

(Sam kisses Dean again, now Dean's lips start to respond. Then Sam stops again, and whispers.) 

Sam: Love me, Deun. 

(This time Sam kisses Dean with tongue. He can feel Dean resist, and pull back, but Sam won't let him go, he follows Dean, almost all the way down to the mattress. Then he sits back up; giving Dean time to process.

Dean's too afraid to move. He thinks "This can't be Sam. This can't be my brother. It must be Lucifer, or Gabriel playing a trick on us or even Crowley. But none of them are here, they're all gone."

Dean sits up. With his right hand he reaches out to Sam, and tugs on his shirt to reveal the anti-possession tattoo.)

Sam: It's really me, Dean.

(Dean hears Sam say his name correctly for the first time all night. Sam had his say; made his peace. Finally. 

Dean reaches over to Sam's right hand and gingerly takes the pistol, disarms it, and puts it down. Then he stands up takes Sam by his upper arms, and raises him too. He looks up into Sam's eyes, and searches for his heart. Today, it's full of love and hope, just like it normally is, but there's another look Dean sees; it's lust.) 

Dean: Explain this, all of this. 

Sam: After careful research, and thought, after pain and anguish, after Heaven and Hell, after death, and life, it comes down to this. Dean, we are the only ones who can love each other. We are the only pairing that works. So, let's have it all, we can stop the suffering. We can make each other happy. 

Dean: Oh Sam... I don't want to be happy. 

Sam: But I do. And I want you to be happy too.

(Now the tears fall from Sam.) 

Sam: Deun... You said you'd do anything I ask. This is it. Dean, I'm asking you. Love me, Dean. Love Me?

 **TBC**


	7. Chapter 7

Conf 7

Sam: Dean there are things I can do to your body, you haven't ever thought about; places I can touch that will make you scream in pleasures you would never let yourself imagine. 

I can make you feel things no woman ever could. Not just physical, but emotional things Dean, I can take you all the way to euphoria. 

I know right now that you don't understand how it works Dean. But I wouldn't be emasculating you. Only a woman can do that. It would be the exact opposite, you'd get more masculinity you'd be more in control, so much more.

And as your brother, I am metaphorically a part of you, but as your blood-brother, I'm literally a part of you too, I'm an extension of you Dean. Don't you see we are the same?

No one else can feel about you, what I feel. No one else can get through to you the way that I can. No one can see what you see, but me. Dean... I know you; I know all of your heart and soul with all my heart and all of my soul. You can't hide your feelings from me, your thoughts. I know them, all of them now. And yet, I still love you Dean, despite them all; perhaps in spite of them all. Dean, let me bolster you; let me give you back what you lost in Hell.

Dean, I can make you the man that Dad never could!

 **TBC**


	8. Chapter 8

Conf 8 end

Dean: I don't know Sam... I don't know that I can. 

Sam: I'll tell you what I know... I know there were hundreds of times over the years, maybe thousands of times, you wanted to touch me, to wrap me up in your arms, to pull me close; but stopped yourself, you physically went out of your way to hold back instead of holding me. Why, because of society? Because people wouldn't understand? People would think we were gay, or You were gay? But I didn't. I knew you weren't! You were just my brother; **my** brother, who raised me as much; no that's not true; my older brother who'd raised me more than my father ever had. When you were worried for me, when you were proud of me, when you were sad for me, or happy for me...you should have hugged me, Dean. You should've taken my hand, or grasped my arm, or rested my head on your shoulder, or something, anything; to prove you loved me. Then maybe I wouldn't have had to go away to college and leave you. But you didn't; you wouldn't; you pushed me away because you were afraid of what people would think. And for that; you lost me for years.

Do you know what it was like to leave half my heart behind; to walk out the door and not look back, not to talk to my own brother, not to share my triumphs and my worries, my good days and bad? You do, don't you? I can see it in your eyes it's still there after all these years, just as it was when you showed up at my door that night at Stanford. That lost look, holding back a thousand unshed tears behind it. Did you not think I could see them? 

Dean: You don't understand, Sammy. 

Sam: Oh, I understand, I understand how I cried myself to sleep, while you wouldn't shed one goddamn tear for me. 

(Dean feels guilty, but finds his resolve; he swallows and puts his half cupped hands on Sam's shoulders. But Sam's angry; he sees Dean is steeling himself and holding back again. He knows.) 

Sam: Don't!

(Sam turns and moves away). 

Sam: Don't touch me. I hate you! I hate you. You and your righteous indignation... Didn't do you any good in Hell, did it!

(Dean is hurt by that.) 

Dean: Sam... 

(Sam's hurt too. He couldn't break through; he failed to reach Dean's heart.) 

Sam: I don't want to hear it. 

(He couldn't take one more excuse, one more rationalization, one more lie.) 

Dean: I do love you Sam... And I can't. 

(Dean picks up his jacket as he walks out. 

And Sam will die inside, one more time.)

 **The End**


End file.
